This is the first post in a new series I will be doing every Wednesday. ln celebration of “Wayback Wednesday” I will post about a special memory in my lifetime. For my first post, I wanted to post about something very special. My memories on first becoming a mother……
I was fairly young when I first became a mom, only 19. I had been married for just a little over six months.
My first inclination that I might be pregnant was a dizzy spell I had. One morning as I stood looking in the bathroom mirror, getting ready to brush my teeth, I started to feel faint. Black over clouded my vision, and I could not see anything. The moment passed quickly but it scared me. I remembered then that a friend who was pregnant at the time had complained of the exact same thing happening to her. A cold tingly sensation ran down the length of my spine as that thought crossed my mind. I stared blankly at myself in the mirror for several moments in shock.
But I disregarded the notion, because I was feeling crampy and felt like I was going to start my period at any moment. I was not yet late. As the week wore on, I continued to experience menstrual cramps, tender breasts, and that feeling that at any moment I would finally start, but my period never came. I assumed I was thinking about it too much, worrying, I read that this could prolong the onset of a period. I tried to relax, and not think about the possibility that I might be pregnant, but the thought was like a tiny seed. That very first moment when the idea first struck me as I gazed at myself in that mirror, the seed was planted. Slowly, day by day, minute by minute, it sprouted and began to grow, until the idea was fully blossomed. And suddenly I began to dread starting my period, knowing that at any moment I would. Each trip (and there were numerous trips”just to check”) I was secretly relieved when there was no sign of blood. After two and half weeks of feeling as if I would start at any moment, the feeling began to lessen. I didn’t mention anything to my husband at the time ( I have since remarried) …. but I told his sisters, my best friends.
I was too embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test so had one of them buy it for me. (This attests to how very young I was……). We gathered at my house while my husband was away. So many emotions were running wild in me that day, I was not myself. I was moody, excited, terrified, confused…… I read the directions a hundred times and drank gallons of water to help myself pee, before taking it to the bathroom and peeing on the stick. My husband arrived just shortly before I was finally ready to take the test. Needless to say, he was surprised.
My friend kicked me out of the bathroom, locking herself in with the stick, as she waited on the results. I paced the living room floor waiting for her to come out and give me the verdict. Afraid of not being pregnant……..afraid of being pregnant. The idea was both fascinating and terrifying at the same time. As she exited the bathroom, her face was somber. My heart sank. Then she threw her arms in the air, waving the stick like a flag, yelling “I’m going to be an Aunt!!!”, then threw her arms around me and hugged hard, as I tried to soak in what she was saying.
I was a mom.
I remember emotion flooding over me like tidal waves. I remember my entire body shaking, and having to sit down before my legs gave out on me. We immediately started making rounds to tell family members the good news. I’m not sure if everyone was as excited as I was…..after all I was very young. I was already married, having gotten married at 18, but still so young. (I would be one month shy of 20 when he was born)
Even though the test result was positive, Niether my husband or I were entirely sure it was accurate. (Funny now, but at the time, the concept was hard to believe. I had been taking birth control pills, although I had missed taking some over a weekend when we were out-of-town. Naively I thought I would have to be off for several months in order to get pregnant.) The next day I called to make an appointment at the doctor’s office. I went in, peed in a cup, and the doctor came in congratulating me. He never said “your pregnant……or the test was positive….” just…….. “Congratulations” , and advised me to contact an OBGYN. I remember leaving, and my husband asking me what was said. I told him he congratulated me. He said “Does that mean your pregnant?” I replied” I think so……..or was he congratulating me because I”m not?” We turned back around, went into the office again, just to clarify that “congratulations” did in fact mean I was pregnant……….. It did.
It was a month or so before I could get in to see the OBGYN. I remember being scared that something would happen before I could get in. That the pregnancy would disappear. At this point it was still more just an idea. I wasn’t having any more dizzy spells, no nausea, no cramping…….nothing. I felt perfectly normal. I was afraid that somehow it was a mistake, or the pregnancy would just disappear.
Finally the day arrived for my first OB appointment. As they placed the doppler on my stomach, the most wonderful amazing sound filled the room…….
My baby’s heartbeat.
That sweet precious sound….. it solidified for me like nothing else could have, that I was a mom. I wasn’t just “pregnant” I was carrying a baby. A life was growing within me. A tiny miracle, that was growing every day. A baby…. with little arms, legs, and a heartbeat. I realized that I was already madly in love with that tiny little person. I loved him more than life itself. I had loved him even before he was conceived. From the very moment of his conception, his life took on greater importance to me than my own, and I would do absolutely ANYTHING to insure his survival. And it was the same with each subsequent pregnancy.
Nothing I will ever do can compare to carrying my children. I absolutely loved being pregnant. Every minute….the peace and contenment….the joy and expectations…. Even the mornings I was so nauseous that getting out of bed took all the willpower I had, I would not change it for anything.
I am so blessed, and so grateful that I was lucky enough to experience and be part of such an amazing natural wonder.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me with those experiences. Thank you for Blessing me with my children. Thank you for making me a woman…..and a mom.