After watching a show on PBS on Geneology the subject of my family and ancestors was brought up. This led me to think of my Mamaw Carter, who has been gone for several years now. Last night as I lay in bed, I thought of her and all the wonderful memories I have of her. It is so hard to believe sometimes, that someone who was so “large in life” and so much an integral part of me, is now just a memory. A lot of who I am today, I owe to her.
Mamaw devoted her life to her family. She never worked outside the home, she never drove a car, she didn’t go visit friends, and after her husband passed away (My “Gran” died before I was born), she always lived with one of her sons. So her family WAS her life. We were all she had.
It is funny, what memories choose to stay with us and linger. Some of the smallest things and tiniest details are imprinted in my memory.
It doesn’t always come easy. For years I felt that who I am and who I am supposed to be aren’t the same. I always wanted more out of life. I wanted to BE more, DO more, HAVE more…..I wanted to LIVE…. to feel that rush of Life’s energy pulsing through me. I didn’t want to “go through the motions” of life everyday, but experience life as it should be. I wanted to do things I had never done before, go places, see things. I wanted to be remembered, I wanted to feel as if when my time on earth was over, there would be no regrets. No “if only’s” or “should haves”.
My journey to self-discovery began shortly after my youngest daughters birth. She was 4 weeks old when I went in for a routine gall bladder surgery. Very simple surgery, I would be able to leave that same day. However, as we soon discovered, there was nothing routine about it. Continue reading